Shaming Part 1: Baby Shaming and Government Regulations

We live in a culture of shaming. I can’t really recall when this became so prevalent, but it seems it is everywhere.

Body shaming, medication shaming, slut shaming, food shaming, gender shaming, religion shaming, disability shaming, victim shaming, mom shaming, parent shaming. 

I mean seriously. Put any word in front of the word “shaming” and it’s another classification of shaming. Friend shaming. Strength shaming. Life shaming. Unknown hurtful shaming.  

Aren’t you exhausted just reading this list? I’m exhausted just typing it.

I’ve encountered disability shaming, medication shaming, body shaming, and baby shaming to name a few. I think everyone experiences shaming in their lives, whether it’s inflicted by other people or themselves. It’s hard to say which is worse, but I know the shaming from others flames the fires of my self-inflicted shaming. 

For a very long time, I wanted to be a mother. I always thought it would be great to have twins, since I am a twin. At 19 years old, I had been living in chronic pain for 4 years. I was in a significant relationship, which led me to really think for the first time about having children and being a mother. I was pretty sure that having children was not in the cards for me. I knew there was still a possibility that could change though, and I found that comforting. In all my significant relationships that followed, I was honest about my ambivalence concerning kids. I didn’t hide the fact that I questioned being able to physically handle pregnancy. With many boyfriends this was a cause for concern and for a few it was a deal breaker, which I understood. 

When my husband, Max, and I started dating many of my friends were married with children. My brothers each had 2 kids as well. I love being an Aunt. It is one of the great joys of my life. This joy unexpectedly revealed that my concerns about pregnancy were short sited. There are a number of ways to have a child, but it is a completely different thing to be a parent. Having a child is the easy part. Once you have that life to protect, raise, support, and love, that is when the real work begins. This is a completely obvious statement. There is no surprise in this revelation. Yet when people talk about kids, pregnancy somehow seems completely separate from being a parent. When people have pressed me about having kids, it is always and only focused on the pregnancy. My being a parent never enters the conversation. I know that were I to have children, I would want to be the kind of mother my parents were for me; I would do everything for my child. They would come first, always. 

Since Max and I got married, I have also been diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease/Arthritis in my spine and Pseudotumor. I had spinal surgery in our first year of marriage. Every doctor, nurse, and physical therapist I saw eventually realized we were newly weds. All of them did a pretty poor job of hiding their panic and concern when they arrived at the topic of family planning. “So…did you want to start a family right away?” This question was always posed to us in the highest pitch voice coupled with the most anxious body language. When we replied we weren’t intending on having children, we received identical reactions from everyone; “Oh! Oh that’s so great! If you tried to have a child, it would break you!” 

Remember that possibility in the back of my mind? That little piece of me that still had the option to have a child? After too many medical realities, that small possibility that had always comforted me is gone. One of the hardest things I have ever done is admit that my child would not be able come first. I cannot live a life where my health is not prioritized first. There is a medical need for me to take care of myself and put myself first just to function on a daily basis. It is one thing to make the choice to not have children. It is another to have the choice essentially made for you. I guess I always knew it was never in the cards for me, but it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t heartbroken.

Thankfully, Max completely understands and I am grateful everyday that we are enough for one another. We focus on all the kiddos we get to love and spoil that are in our lives. Our lives are made richer and fuller by all the kids we love so much. Our hearts burst with each visit, photo, and milestone. We feel so incredibly lucky.

The decision to not have children is something I thought about for the better part of 10 years. It’s also a deeply personal topic with an equally personal journey at how I arrived at this decision. 

So every time an acquaintance says “So when are you going to have kids?” I don’t really want to reveal all of this. A general, impersonal response like, “I don’t know,” is my go to. Can you imagine if you were making small talk with someone and they launched into such a deeply personal narrative? 

 There have been times when someone who knows me relatively well has inquired about why I haven’t had children yet and I tell them I’m not planning on it. Before they ask why, they judge. Here’s a list of responses I’ve received from people who know me as well as a close colleague:

-       “Oh that’s a bad idea. Who will take care of you when you’re old?” 

-       “Oh. Do you hate children?” 

-       “But you’re so great with kids! Why would you want to deprive yourself of that       experience?!” 

-       “You know it’s the best thing you will ever do with your life.” 

-       “No. I don’t accept this. You will be a mother. You should be a mother. It’s your job to be a mother.”

-       “If you’re not having children, why did you get married? There’s nothing to celebrate unless you have a family.” 

It’s fascinating to me that someone will pass judgment on me without knowing or understanding anything about me or this situation. Why is it okay to judge first and ask questions later? (If people even have the good sense to ask questions later.) Why are we so hard on each other? It shouldn’t matter to anyone else, except my husband and I, why we’re not having kids. While I understand that my family and those closest to me may feel sad for me, that is different. They don’t sit in judgment of me. The don’t condemn me. They support Max and I in whatever we choose. I don’t know why we live in a world where if someone finds out that I’m not having children, their first instinct is to shame me for it. Here’s a list of reasons why people could not have kids:

-       People physically can’t have children.

-       People physically can’t be parents.

-       One person recognizes they physically can’t be a parent and does not want to overburden their partner in an unbalanced marriage.

-       People believe the greenest thing you can do is not have a child.

-       People maybe hesitant to be parents themselves, for any number of reasons.

-       People prioritize travel over children.

-       People hate children.

-       People don’t want to deal with the financial burden of having children.

-       People like sleep.

-       People are too OCD to deal with the messes, physical and emotional.

-       People like sanity.

-       People like date night.

-       People like drugs.

-       People like sharp edged furniture, skydiving, and having pet snakes.

-       People can simply not want to have children.

Let me address one of the serious items on that list; “One person recognizes they physically can’t be a parent and does not want to overburden their partner in an unbalanced marriage.” I knew on the third date with Max that we were going to get married. I had found a partner. I saw someone I could lean on when I needed support, but who recognized I would still be independent. Max has never seen me as limited by my health issues and I have never seen him as a caretaker. We rely on each other as partners, spouses, and best friends, like any other marriage. It is comforting to be treated by my husband as ‘able.’ It helps me feel more secure with myself when confronting harsh realities like not having children, which makes me feel ‘unable,’ and selfish. That being said, I do not see this item as a hypothetical concern. This would be our future. 
My chronic pain condition and other health issues dictate the decisions I make everyday. "Should I do the dishes or wash my hair?" I am physically able to do only so many things in a day. If I am having a particularly rough day, I am lucky to accomplish anything. Sine I am not currently working, one of my goals is to do one thing everyday that contributes to my marriage. Sometimes that's cleaning our apartment, going to the pharmacy, grocery shopping, etc. Other days, I have to settle for emotional contributions; Telling my husband I love him, that I'm proud and grateful he is supporting us financially, and that he makes me incredibly happy, everyday. If I can't do the dishes and wash my hair in one day, it's not hard to understand why I worry my husband would be an overburdened parent, if we managed to have children. 

Every time I encounter baby shaming, if I don’t want to reveal my personal story, I always think about saying one thing; I don’t want to risk destroying my marriage to satisfy a cultural standard. Let’s add that to the list; 

-       People don’t want to sacrifice what is important to them to satisfy a cultural standard.

           

Last week the Ohio senate passed “The Heartbeat Bill.” It can still be vetoed by Gov. John Kasich. Regardless, the fact that it was passed through the senate is very disturbing to me and I’m sure countless other women. The decisions a woman makes about her reproductive rights should not be regulated by law. As far as I’m concerned, the government trying to control a woman’s body is the most appalling kind of baby shaming. When any woman is making decisions about family planning, like having a baby or not, these decisions are the most private and personal.

This bill disturbs me particularly thinking of mother’s who cannot physically handle pregnancy, like me. Though I am able to conceive, it has been strongly recommended by my doctors that I not have children or ever carry a child to term. What if I had to because of this law? Why is the life of a fetus more important than mine? Call me selfish or a murderer or whatever you want, but I don’t want to put my life in danger because someone else declared rights over my body. These are my choices to make. My consequences to live with forever.

So the next time you’re talking with someone, and it comes up that they’re not having children, if you can’t simply say, “That’s cool,” and move on with the conversation, then ask them “why.” Don’t give up and jump to shaming. Whether you know them well or not, taking a few minutes to convey a genuine interest and open up the conversation to sincere dialogue is the superior alternative to shaming. Taking the time to appreciate a different point of view is never a waste of time. If you took the time to read this blog, then you have contributed to appreciating a different point of view and thank you for taking the time. We could use a little more understanding and a lot less judgment these days. The best way to start that process is to just ask, “why” and remain open to one another’s perspectives.